Merry Christmas!

It's 7:25 a.m., and I've been awake for over an hour.  I'm an early bird, so this isn't too surprising, but I'm not anxiously awaiting to go downstairs.  Instead, I've been staring at the ceiling thinking about my daddy.

We've had almost a year to prepare for him not being here on the most special day of the year. But, that's not helping me right now.  Last night, I thanked God that Daddy isn't in pain and that he gets to celebrate the birth of Jesus in Heaven... can you imagine how beautiful the ceremony is?

This year brings new traditions for the Swan family.  This morning, it will be Mom, Lauren, and me.  Technically this isn't new because Tommy, Misty and the boys don't normally come until early afternoon. The big difference is that tonight we'll be serving 19 people for dinner.  My Benjamin cousins are bringing their girlfriends, and our Palmer "family" will be joining us too.  Hopefully, the excitement of the season with 19 people will help mask the fact Daddy isn't here.

I can't help but think about last Christmas.  He was so weak.  He was so frail.  He was so quiet.  We brought a chair into the kitchen so he could be "involved" in the cooking, but he didn't last long.  The cancer was simply eating away all of his energy, so he spent most of the day in the recliner.

One of the highlights of last year was Cade standing at the foot of Dad's recliner staring at him.  I asked Cade if he wanted to give Hoss a hug, and the innocence in his voice said yes.  He crawled into the chair, gave Hoss a hug, and then went about playing.  That memory is permanently etched into my brain.

I guess I should get out of bed now and face the day.  It's going to be a busy one at the Swan household, and I especially look forward to my nephews getting here.  Not to mention, I have some baking to do before all of the craziness starts.

Merry Christmas to all of you!  Make sure you tell the people you care about how much you love and appreciate them.  You never know when they won't be here anymore.

I love you, Daddy!

The Wheels are Turning... Again

I can't help but giggle at my title. Technically, the wheels are turning because my bike has wheels that turn.  What I'm speaking of, however, is my brain.

During my ride on Saturday (45 miles through Allen), a teammate told me that her last day of work was Friday because she's going back to school. She's going to get her masters in Exercise Science, and I'm jealous.

The funny thing about Misty (my teammate, not my sister-in-law) is that she went to school to as a nursing major but ended up getting her degree in PR.  My first choice of major was Nutrition, but when I saw all of the required sceince courses, I changed to PR.  Misty is now pursuing her passion which has left me wondering if I should do the same.

A year ago, I knew I was through with education but was unsure of my next move. My degree is in PR, so I contacted my-now-boss to see if she knew of any PR/comm jobs I would be good for.  I also applied to the nutrition program at TWU and got accepted a couple of months later.

Because I did not want to take out student loans, I pursued the PR job instead.  Don't get me wrong, I LUV my job!  I LUV where I work!  I LUV the people I work with. But, I'm missing the one thing I'm most passionate about-- the health industry.

So... what do I do?  If I don't go back to school, will I regret it forever?  Will it always be on the back of my mind?  I love my job at Southwest Airlines way too much to leave, but I love the health industry, too.

If you have any suggestions, please send them my way.  :)

Did Someone Say "Hill?"

What do hills, more hills, and holy-cow-that's-a-big-hill have in common? That would be the workout we did yesterday for our 4th practice. But, that was just half of the ride. In order to fulfill our 30-mile practice, we had to do that loop twice!

Solvang is a hilly area, so in order to be prepared, you have to practice crazy-intense climbs. I must pat myself on the back because my theory of riding with the coach helped me a ton. She gave me good advice on how to pace myself, told me how to set goals on bigger hills, and was there to encourage me when the hill seemed a little too high and way too long.

After the first loop, I felt really good. I was trying out new powder in my water bottle (it had like 4 carbs to one protein), ate a good carb-intensive breakfast, and had a good bar during the break. The second loop was going to be a piece of cake because I knew exactly what to expect.

And then my legs died.

I turned into the biggest cheerleader on my team at that point. No, I wasn't encouraging others, I was yelling at my legs to keep pedaling. It went a little something like this.

"Come on, legs. Don't fail me now. You can do this!"

I repeated this many times. It was the last hill, however, that my now-shaking legs quit. I stopped, stepped off my bike, and tried to stretch my quads. It felt great, so I got back on my bike.

And then they died again.

Getting up that last hill was probably the most challenging workout I've ever had. It was so hard, it hurt so bad, and I was pretty sure I was going to fall off my bike because my legs were not working.

To my surprise, I somehow found that last very-small burst of energy to get up the hill and finished the route. It was certainly not easy, but it was worth every bit of the pain.

Like most rides, I take something away something valuable. This time, the lesson is simple. Don't give up. Don't ever let your mind convince you that you can't finish.

Time for a Trainer

Personal trainer?  I wish... although I am a certified personal trainer and my passions include health and fitness.  What I need (maybe it's more of a want than a need) is a bike trainer.

I've worked out almost every day in my entire life.  Obviously, that is not an accurate statement.  Let me try again.  I love working out... actually, I'm really bored with my workouts and the 4:45 a.m. wake up call.  Final attempt-- because I'm bored with my usual routine, am trying to prepare for a 104-mile bike ride, and hate the cold weather, I need to buy a bike trainer.

Since I'm still new to the biking thing (it's much more complex than hopping on a bike and going for a ride), I asked my brother to look into some trainers.  The only reason I'm doing this is because it is almost impossible for me to get to spin class after work.  Not to mention that I prefer working out in the morning.

Here's the problem- the cheapest is around $150ish and I don't really want to spend a lot of money on a "good" one.  My friend at the bike shop said their trainers are going on sale this week, but I'll still spend at least $200.

It looks like I need to suck it up and just buy the darned thing.  I'll be able to ride more often, in the comfort of my home, and at 5 a.m.  Seems like a winning combonation, right?!?

Happy Birthday, Tader!

Today is Cade's 3rd birthday!  I'm not sure how he (or any of my nephews) is getting so old, but I love being a proud aunt.

Just like Drake, Cade has all of us wrapped around his little finger in an instant.  As much fun as everyone was having with one little boy in the family, we now had two.  Two kids to take fishing, two kids to pick boogers with, two boys to play with excavators and all those other trucks I'll never be able to remember.  Most importantly, two kids to send home with their parents after a day of fun!

Above: My all-time favorite picture.  Everyone's faces/actions speak volumes.

Below: Cade and Hoss sleeping in the recliner on Christmas Day.

Cade has been impressive from the get-go.  He started crawling when he was eight-months, walking at 10-months, fearless of the swimming pool at 18-months, actually jumping off the diving board and swimming to the side by himself at two-and-a-half-years-old, and he began riding a two-wheel bike this fall.  When it comes to anything active, there is nothing Cade can't do.  

Nana with Cade

But, from an early age, he has also been a lover.  He likes to sit in someone's lap, loves attention (he's the middle child so this makes sense), and has such a sweet heart.  He can be a mean lil' toot at times, but it's probably because he's all boy.

Hoss loves (I can't put that into past tense for so many reasons) all of his grandsons equally, but he and Cade became super close.  In fact, we call Cade "Tader" because Hoss did.  He always bragged about his grandsons, but Hoss definitely loved sharing about Tader's strength.

Last year when Hoss got sick, Cade made a sweet video for him.  He would say "Hoss," and then giggle. He repeated this a couple of times before he said (with some prompting from Tommy), "Be the water, Hoss."  Cade's innocent almost-two-year-old voice made my dad smile every time he heard it.

On two separate occasions at Christmas last year, Cade crawled into Hoss' lap to give him a hug.  It is one of my last memories of my dad and his grandsons, and it made quite the impression.    

As much as we all miss my dad right now with the holiday season in full-swing, Tader Bug misses him, too. During Thanksgiving, he asked his parents when Hoss can come home from heaven. The innocence of a child is a nice reminder how simple life should be. 

Happy birthday, Tader!!!  May you always remember how much your Hoss loves you.

Second Practice = Not Fun!

Judging by the title, you might think that I have a long road in front of me.  And, I do.  Last Saturday, I got a text message at 5:45 a.m. saying practice was cancelled because of rain, but then it was rescheduled on Sunday.

My mom and I went to the local bike shop, B&B Bicycles, Saturday afternoon to find some "warm" clothes to wear.  B&B is in the process of moving, and they barely had any gear out, so I wasn't feeling too lucky.  I'm also REALLY picky about tights, and the brand I like is going out of business.  But, just like everything else in this adventure so far, the man at B&B managed to find the right brand, the right size, and the right fit for me.  And, they were on sale.

My mom graciously bought a cute warm-up jacket as well as a hat for underneath my helmet.  I finished up the transaction with gloves and shoe covers.  All I needed at that point was to try out my new gear.

Sunday was a miserable day.  Miserable!!!  It was freezing, but that wasn't the bad part.  The stupid wind was gusting so hard that it almost knocked me off my bike more than once.  When the wind wasn't blowing, I felt like I was doing well.  But, that stupid wind wouldn't go away, and I pretty much wanted to quit.

I also keep getting major sinus headaches when I ride.  I'm not quite sure why, but it's bad and it affects my sight.  The most valuable lesson I learned Sunday was that I can't close one eye and ride while also fighting the wind.  It was NOT a winning combination.

By the time I got home, all I wanted was to soak in the hot tub.  But since it was going to take over an hour for it to heat up, I settled for a hot shower and hot chocolate.  It took about three hours to finally be warm again, but when I look back at the ride, it was so worth it.  The pain, the wind, the headaches... it's nothing compared a cancer patient.

On a positive note, I'm 44% of the way to my fundraising goal.  If you haven't donated yet, please do so soon. I can't wait to give $3,800 to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!

First Practice

When I signed up for my Century Ride back in late September, the first practice seemed so far away.  And it was.  People kept asking how the training was going, and I kept telling people that it doesn't officially start until November 19th.

Well, it's November 21st, and you know what that means... Training FINALLY started. 

I wish I could write that everything went beautifully, I'm the best on the 18-person team, and I felt like a stud after our 20-mile practice.  Instead, I'll tell you the truth...

Last week, I felt run-down and had a couple of canker sores in my mouth.  Canker sores mean one of two things-- either I was getting sick or I was stressed.  Unfortunately, the first reason was the cause.

By Saturday morning, I felt so run-down that I didn't want to get out of bed.  But, once again, I remembered that my poor, pitiful sinus infection (or whatever I have) is nothing compared to cancer.  I got out of bed, drove 61 miles to Texas Motor Speedway, and rode the 20 miles.

I probably appeared to be the most unfriendly person on the team.  I kept to myself, shivered through the mission moment, and wasn't overly talkative.  The wind was in our face for half of the route, and the windy part was also part of the slight incline that we rode.  Pile that on to the fact that I didn't feel well, and you can probably guess that my riding abilities were far from impressive.

By the time I got back to my parent's house, I felt so rough that I took a nap.  This so-called nap lasted until about Sunday night at 9 when I had to go back to my apartment.  Don't kid yourself, I slept all night, too.  Can you tell that I really didn't feel well?

While I am very unimpressed with myself and disappointed in my performance on Saturday, I also have a lot to be thankful for.  The Solvang team is full of selfless, inspiring, and caring people.  We've all been affected by Leukemia or Lymphoma, and we all feel very strongly about raising money for the cause.  The next 16-weeks of training may not be the funnest thing I'll ever do in my life, but it will definitely be worth it.

With only six days until the next training ride, I'm loading myself up with Sudafed, Advil, Mucinex, etc.  Hopefully, I'll be able to report about a better performance next week.

Please help me reach my fundraising goals!

Good Timing, Coach!

Sitting on my sofa writing thank-you notes seemed like a good ending for a dull Monday.  I woke up in a funk, spent my day in a funk, and by the time I got home, the only thing I wanted to do was nothing.

It was a year ago this week that the doctors found "a spot" on my dad.  In fact, it was on Tuesday that they found "a spot;" Thursday, it was lymphoma; Saturday, he was admitted to the hospital; and a week from today was when they diagnosed my daddy as stage four.  This so-called funk, in my opinion, is synonymous with sadness.

My phone rang around 8 p.m., and I actually answered an unknown number.  I'm glad I did because it was my Team in Training coach calling to introduce himself.  We talked for about 20 minutes on what to expect, dates to write down, ideas on warm clothes to buy, and a brief overview of the next couple of months.

The phone conversation was nothing magical, but it was perfect timing.  Part of the reason I'm doing this century ride is to find a positive outlet to get me through the next couple of months.  He couldn't have picked a more perfect time to call.

So, here's to Solvang-- the hills, the 100-miles, the family going with me, and to the wine I'll consume to help numb the pain.

Most importantly, though, here's to my daddy!

http://pages.teamintraining.org/ntx/solvang12/aswanp

(Please donate if you can!)

Happy Birthday, Drake!

Six-years ago, I was sitting in the hospital anxiously awaiting my nephew's arrival.  Tommy and Misty didn't find out the sex of the baby, but we all knew it was a boy.  So there we all were, Misty's family and my family (with the exception of Lauren who was at work-- she came as soon as she could) waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

I was 21-years-old at the time and two months away from college graduation.  Because I had a midterm on Monday, I was studying while everyone else was playing games and having fun.  Maybe I should say attempting to study because I'm not sure if I actually got anything accomplished.

After hours of being at the hospital, Misty finally delivered a smurf.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the boy was blue.  As much as we all tried to be excited when we first saw him, Mom finally said, "Tommy, is he breathing?  Why is he blue?" 

One of my fondest memories from this weekend was the following morning.  My dad took one of Tommy's broken pole vault poles to the hospital with "Drake's First Pole" written on it.  Everyone was excited (especially after he shed the blue color)!

Being the firstborn on both sides of the family, Drake was (and still is) spoiled rotten.  I always knew that my mom (Nana) would be an incredible grandmother,  but I honestly worried a little that Hoss would still put the dog first.  But, I was wrong, Drake was the apple of all of our eyes.

Hoss and Drake always had a good time together.  Hoss would always pace in front of the front door when Tommy, Misty, and Drake (and then Cade and Jett) were coming over.  He LOVED his grandsons!  They swam, fished, and took walks in the woods together.  Hoss used to wake Drake up from his naps just to go on walks.  I'm pretty sure Tommy and Misty were furious with him for doing so, but they allowed it anyways.   They saw movies together, slept in a tent in the backyard one night, and most importantly, had a wonderful grandson-grandad bond.

I can't help but feel jealous today about Drake and Hoss' relationship.  My kids will never know Hoss, they'll never hear his funny stories, and they'll never have pictures with him.  But, I'm also thankful that Drake remembers and misses his Hoss.

Happy Birthday, Drake!  I know Hoss watches over you every day.

Today's Horoscope

Every Sunday, I look at my horoscope in the Dallas Morning News.  This was my horoscope today:

Review recent mistakes to learn from them.  Find a positive outlet for your desire and justice.  A new phase of purpose rouses your creativity.

This is fitting for my Century Ride adventure.  I am excited, I am blessed, I am strong!

http://pages.teamintraining.org/ntx/solvang12/aswanp

Is This My Life?

Today is Thursday, and I've now been raising money for Team in Training for four days.  The ride isn't until March, so I figured I'd take my sweet time in fundraising.  I posted to Facebook on Monday and had two selfless donations by a former colleague and a friend that night.  Maybe I'm wrong... Tuesday was the night I put it on Facebook.

To my surprise, I started getting a lot of donations from colleagues on Wednesday afternoon.  I was excited but confused about the large numbers of donations coming in especially when I didn't know some of the people donating.  And then I found out-- the only person I'd actually told at work sent an email out on my behalf.  His name is Brian, and while he's been at Southwest for years, he's new to the Communication Department, too.  At 4 p.m., I had $75 worth of donations.  By Thursday morning, I was up to $700.  This is all because of the selfless acts of Brian.

But it doesn't end here.  Around noon, Brian asked me how people can write a check for my ride.  Herb Kelleher and Colleen Barret-- Mr. and Ms. Southwest Airlines-- were the two writing checks.  This was the moment that I couldn't help but cry.

With another generous donation from my dad's "brother," Mark, I am sitting at $965 in a matter of 48-hours.

I still have $2000 more to raise and five months until the ride.  But, I'm confident that it won't be difficult to reach my goals.

Thank you to everyone who has donated so far, and a special shout out to Brian for making this experience so easy and fun!

Team in Training

I'd be lying if I said I was excited about riding 100 miles.  Really... 100 miles on a bike seat?  Up the inclines?  Training through the winter months?  What in the world have I gotten myself into?

And then it hits me... Cancer patients don't sign up for cancer.  They don't choose the seasons when they have to fight the battles.  The mountains they climb are far more superior than any hill I will ride.

I struggle daily with the thought of how cancer has changed my life.  I have feared the word since I was old enough to understand death.  My grandparents all had cancer, then my dad.  There is nothing more that I hate than cancer.

But, this is also why I have chosen to ride 100-miles.  The cold weather, the hills, the stupid bike seat that hurts to sit on for any period of time... I have made this choice.

To all of the cancer patients, families of cancer patients, survivors, and victims... THIS IS FOR YOU!

http://pages.teamintraining.org/ntx/solvang12/aswanp

The exciting first post

How many times have you heard people say "life isn't fair?"  For me, I've heard it my entire life.  I remember my dad saying it to me all of the time-- not for anything huge but for the minor, stupid drama that life sometimes deals.  It wasn't until Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma on 11-1-10 that I started to understand the severity of that statement.

Please don't think I'm starting this blog as a sob story because that is far from the reason.  In a way, I hope it continues to help the healing process.  But the main purpose is to track the events and journey of committing to century ride and actually doing the 100-mile bike ride to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

So, stay tuned.  Things are about to get good!